A Singaporean man from Hougang said he had been inspired to attempt intercourse with the mollusk after seeing a photograph of an oyster that bore a close resemblance to a vagina.
“This all happened because I read a story a couple weeks ago about a woman who had her vagina bitten by a crab.”
Just in case you don’t know what this man is talking about, several weeks ago a Singaporean woman who was sunbathing naked got her vagina bitten by a crab thinking that it was an oyster, it was a case of mistaken identity!
The 26-year-old admitted embarrassedly that the photo of the oyster in the story had aroused him sexually. He found himself thinking about the oyster at night.
“I mean, it looks a lot better than some real vaginas that I’ve seen.”
Well, first of all, vaginas are part of a human and we are hairy creatures, so we definitely have bushes down south, and an oyster is CLEAR! It has no hair, and it’s pink! Maybe that’s why he was attracted to the oyster.
“I knew it was wrong but one day after work when I was walking home I stopped at the market to buy one oyster.
“I asked the vendor to get me the biggest one. He was a bit confused that I only wanted to buy just the one oyster, but I said I only needed one.”
The man hurried home to put his plan into action.
“I had to leave the oyster to come to room temperature because it was still chilled from the market.”
He applied some lube to his penis and turned on his favorite soundtrack to enhance the ‘mood’, I hope he did some foreplay, oysters ‘love’ foreplay!
“The oyster that I purchased looked really inviting. When it was warm enough I just slipped it right in and started pumping.”
Everything went well for the man at first,
“The oyster that I bought was quite big, so I was able to penetrate it quite deeply.”
Sh*t hits the fan when he became too excited and started to thrust too vigorously into the oyster.
“I just lost control, I knew I should have been more careful because the shell was razor sharp.”
You damn right it was sharp! You aren’t supposed to do such acts with food.
Just a few more thrusts to completion, he slipped out of the oyster’s meat and sliced the underside of his penis against the sharp shell. He froze in panic for a second, and when blood started gushing out, he yelled out in pain and fainted.
Worried neighbors heard the man’s cry and rushed to his aid,
“We heard him cry out and pushed in his door. We saw blood everywhere and feared that someone had stabbed him. But then we saw the oyster and the lube and became more concerned.”
The man woke up after surgery, he received 67 stitches to repair the deep wound to his penis, but he believes he is lucky.
“If I’d caught it on a different angle I could have severed it completely.”
The injured man hopes that his story will act as a warning to any other men curious about sex with shellfish,
“While I will admit it felt pretty good, the risk of losing your penis is just not worth it. If I’d been a bit smarter, I would’ve taken the oyster out of the shell first.”
Ew, no. If you were smarter, you should look for an adult toy in the adult toy shop, online or look for those types of services in massage parlors where they promise a ‘happy ending’.
We were wondering how can he penetrate into the oyster when the oyster only has less than a thumb length of meat, unless he has a small one.
Man, he must’ve been so embarrassed that his neighbors saw him reliving his fantasy, but that is one stupid move. No one should ever have any sort of intercourse with animals, marine life or anything not human, it is considered bestiality!
However, don’t take this story too seriously, it could be a hoax, who knows for sure?
(Source: Telegraph Sun)